After the pink lines

I sat in the bathroom thinking, “well… that’s never happened before.” I sat and felt like I was on the verge of fainting. “This is what that feels like…”

I stood up and walked calmly down the hallway knowing that Stuart would think I was joking when I told him the news.

He looked up from the computer and I said, “I’m pregnant.” He sat there and I said, “is this how you want to always remember this moment?”

He stood up and we hugged for a long time. It was weird.

I was almost 12 weeks pregnant – had practically missed the whole first trimester, which was a blessing in disguise because the next 2 trimesters were full of throwing up, weight loss, and terrifying bleeding episodes.

Our families were surprised and excited for us. We were surprised and excited too and then we realised we didn’t have health insurance, we didn’t have any money, Stuart was realising he didn’t actually want to be a Chiropractor anymore. Things got a little messy.

The first thing I did was look into health care. People had said that if you pay out of pocket you can get quite a good deal at hospitals. Something just didn’t sit right with the idea though.

I don’t remember exactly how the idea of having a homebirth came about but I remember not being onboard with it entirely. The idea of a midwife was appealing but not having a baby in a hospital? What are we, pioneers?

A quick google brought up a few local midwives. I emailed one.

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The story of Autumn

We were married in March of 2004 and decided in the October that we wanted to start trying to grow our family. It took us 4 years in Rexburg, Idaho – 1 degree in biology, and 1.5 years in Hayward, Calfornia – half a chiropractic degree, plus my degree in graphic design; 7 years of marriage total before we were able to have a baby.

I was in the last semester of my degree when I started to feel really sick. I was exhausted, emotional, and lonely. Stuart was going through a hard time deciding what to do – quit Chiropractic and start over, or lump it. It was a stressful time. I would cry when he left for school, and cry when he got home. It went on for weeks. I had no appetite and couldn’t stomach much. Won ton soup, a fortune cookie telling me that a pleasant surprise was in my very near future.

One day Stuart suggested I take a pregnancy test. I thought he was being cruel. Those things never turned positive for me no matter how much I wanted it. We had decided recently that we were done even trying. We would get through the next year and start saving up and traveling; being our own family without the lingering, “maybe this month” in the back of our minds. It was time to move on and to be happy with how things were.

I remember going along with the plan to take the test just to get it over with – to start dealing with the depression that follows the “not pregnant” on the unapologetic stick. We got one from Safeway and came home. I went to take the test and Stuart sat down at the computer.

Instantly there were two pink lines.

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